October 8th, 2015
Streetcar Named Desire, reads me so well.
Oh Blanche. She, she is me, and I, I am her. A number of similarities, as if Mr. Williams model her after me. She craves attention, even when it’s negative, she loves it from men and constantly seeks the approval of others. She is immensely insecure, and at times a bit of a petty bitch, yet has this awkward kindness to her at times. My teacher put it best: “she’s an actress”, he says. “She reads people very well” and then as if she possess some sort of magical shape-shifting ability, she molds “herself into what people want”.
I found every word of his description fascinating, because I identified with it so well. Before this, I use to always say to myself “you’re a sponge, you absorb the things around you, only to eventually become them.” I’d always sit and think how I would act in a relationship (never having been in one before), and it didn’t take long to realize in every scenario I’d changed my personality to match the wants of the guy I’d paired myself with. It’s kind of a scary thought. Like a dangerous superpower. I’m an etch-a-sketch. I draw what you want to see and wear that for a while, then when I’m done with you, I shake away the image and prepare for what the next person wants. Medically I believe the term for that would be Split Personality Disorder.
My teacher said its sort of amazing, Blanche’s behavior. He said “you could either love her because it’s kind of cool, or you could hate her because it’s kind of crazy and dangerously insane”. Is it sick how intriguing I find that phrase? “DANGEROUSLY INSANE”. A tremendously enchanting ideology. That one simple human being can possess character traits that are “dangerously insane”. To have this sort of power, I don’t know it excites me. Is that awful? To think that I, could and can manipulate people better than they try to manipulate me, gets me excited for my adult life. Like everyday I can put on a new personality and be someone different to so many different people. Oh boy! I guess that’s why the ideas of dressing up and cosplay and makeup, truly entice me. I mean if you’re unhappy with who you are now, then why not be someone else, someone who not only you, but everyone will adore. I think life is better that way. Blanche taught me something today. Fuck everybody. If they can’t see you for who you are, be something they’ll love to see. Something they’ll never forget. I think I did that today.
A boy. I’ve read him as very materialistic. He likes to look good, so that everyone will see. He stays up to date on all the latest lingo, and I feel he’s a bit arrogant, in more than an annoying way. He’s the true definition of a fuckboy. I felt as though he’d appreciate a more friendly and bubbly type of girl, you know the type that looks at you as if you’re some kind of deity and she’ll do anything for you. Now mind you I’m not the prettiest flower in the bunch, especially today with the ginormous bags under my eyes today, but nevertheless I figured a big bright smile, a few quick flashes of the tongue, and a bit of eye batting with doey looking eyes that said “I want to please you, Sir”, would go a long way with Mr. FB. And boy was I right.
You see the weakness for guys like this is some good ol’ fashioned ego stroking. In other words compliments. I fully believe males love compliments just as much, if not more than females do. For this boy all I had to say was “Nice shirt” while he passed by. And then the next time “nice shirt”, followed by, “you always dress so nice”. His eyes get happy, he likes it, he responds “oh thank you, you know I try” with a nice teethy smile. So I go further, because you know, I’m Blanche I like the attention. I go “are you going for best dress?”, and he keeps it going, he mentions he nominated himself after others told him he should (like I told you before, FUCKBOY, looks good so others will see, and I guess his efforts did not go to waste). Then the situation got even more entertaining because my beautiful distant friend is a Stella. She likes to compete with others over everything. She enjoys possessing the objects of others desires, no matter what they are. She has taken an interest in the fact that I’ve taken “interest” in this boy. Little does she know, my interest is just temporary and false, a charade that will fade by the end of this very class. The most interesting fact for me though is, that she has a boyfriend and she still wants to go tit-for-tat. I don’t mind it. I get to mess with them both. I get to mockingly boost this cute little boys ego, and challenge my “friend” and see how much I can make her do for this boys attention, which before this week she couldn’t have care anything about. People truly amuse me. They really do. And they never cease to amaze me.
Holy shit I just realized, this boy is a sadder version of Stanley.