*Warning: This is an extremely long post and it’s sort of all over the place, much like me, it’s just somethings I felt needed to be said and things I needed to get off my chest. Hope you enjoy…*
I don’t think I want to fall in love. I just don’t feel like that’s something I want for myself. That’s stuffs scary and it’s too emotional. So much stress, you have to care and live for another person. I can barely take care of myself, I can barely live for myself. It’s just so hard, I mean in all my 19 years of life I have finally come to the realization that life and the world has been stacked against the individual. Times have changed and it’s harder to live life all on your own. From the economy to the now abnormality of being alone, you have to find someone, anyone, to depend on and live the rest of your days with. At least this is what society has taught me. It’s just so strange. I don’t want to need someone else. I truly do love being alone, I thrive when I’m by myself. It’s so peaceful, I’m comfortable, and I promise you I am beyond happy, overjoyed really. And don’t get me wrong sex is amazing and so is conversation, but do I really need to be legally bound to someone for all eternity for those things? No, not in this day and age. We make it so easy to destroy relationships, and have false relationships, I really just wish to ignore and avoid that aspect of life at all cost. Yes marriage sounds beautiful, weddings look fun, and the idea of a family does seem very nice, but the constant and crushing fear of failure is enough for me to come to the conclusion that that’s not where my life is headed. I don’t and I can’t trust anyone. Everytime I’ve ever trusted someone and let them in they let me down. Or I let them in and they give me nothing so I get bored and tried of have to keep up with the one sided charade. It’s agonizing, it truly is painful and to me completely unnecessary. Honestly at this point the only love I want to find is my love for myself. I want to learn and grow to love myself. Every inch, crevice, stretch mark, freckle, curve, bump, cellulite, pimple, eyelash, finger nail, split hair, and discoloration. I want to become my own person, I only want to depend on myself and only love myself. To be quite honest I feel like I’m the only person who truly deserves my love at this point. And the only person who needs it at the same time. I mean who else will give me what I give them. Honestly no one. I mean we as a species have conjured up this idea that everyone is meant for someone and everyone on this beautiful planet has a soulmate, I just don’t think that’s true. I honestly think there are people out there, myself included, who are maybe just meant to be alone. I think we’re all just scared of being alone. I just don’t understand why. Being alone is so beautiful. It isn’t at all crushing or depressing like love is. It’s blissful, truly, truly, blissful. It’s all I want and need. And I’m going to do it. I’m going to be alone. I’m going to take this year to learn to love myself and appreciate the person I am. I’m going to take this year to figure out who I want to be and plan how to get there. I’m going take this year to restart my life, to rebirth myself. It’s time, time I learned to be myself. I know I can do it and I know I need to do it. All my life I dreamed of the perfect guy and all my life I found time and time again he doesn’t exist. I worried so much about others only to find that they didn’t care so much about me. And previously in my life when I’d came to the decision to live out my life alone, I always thought how cruel that was. I thought I’d have to destroy relationships and be a heartbreaker and saw myself as awful. Then I thought I wouldn’t be able to muster up the courage to do it because of the pain I imagined the other person would feel. I also thought I’d be the one getting too attach and end up crush like all the times before. Previous encounters have taught me otherwise. I’m already detached. I don’t think I can feel an emotional connection with anyone, especially not romantically. I just can’t, I don’t think I’m wired that way. I found that I can move on quickly, I’ve learned I’m very self destructive, and that I’m the only one I truly need, that I’ve never and can never love anyone. It’s sad and a harsh reality but I’m sure I’m not the only person that feels this way. And no this isn’t my declaration of Asexuality, no I enjoy being with others, I just don’t want to spend my life searching for the one and getting my hopes up that they’ll somehow “find me”. I no longer care for that fairy tale or storyline anymore. From now on I’m going to live for myself, support myself, and love myself. I just can’t trust that anyone else ever will give me the satisfaction I’m looking for and I don’t think I can do anything for someone else. So here’s to my future, hopefully it’s full up brightness, happiness, and good fortune. And honestly good luck to any and all the souls who read this, may your journey to self love and discovery be pleasant and fulfilling.