I finally figured it out. What I truly want to do with my life. I mean I had that epiphany this time last year, but it finally feels real. Like this is something I’m truly supposed to be doing. You know how you have that person in your life. Everyone has one, the one person whose always right there. They make you smile in the morning, they cheer you up when your crying. They hold the key to your happiness and you somehow always seem to overlook them. And it’s not because they aren’t important or they mean nothing to you, you’re just always chasing this dream of what love and romance is supposed to be. Then one day you wake up and they’re gone and you suddenly realize it was them all along. That’s what this feels like, without the dreadful feelings of regret.
For so long I thought I was supposed to live my life one way and chase this dream on a center path. I didn’t realize there was something else calling me always there when I felt like no one else was. Something I was always good at. Something that made me smile in the morning and filled me with laughter on my most tearful of days. Writing, creating, pictures, the whole art of cinematography, something I’ve never lived without.
When I was younger I would create these little scenes in my head, about various parts in my life anywhere form the past to the future, and even the present. I would picture my life as if it were some great motion picture based off of so many different things. I would watch so much television, in fact the same seasons or specials so often, that I’d be able to recite a full episodes almost verbatim (thank you Hanny Montany). I could feel the characters and I always thought about where I would take the shows, what I would do differently. What show would I reboot and execute, dare I say better.
And the writing was like second nature to me. I kept journals here and there, but it was school that really made me like it. My teachers always said I had nice “voice” in my writing. And for so long I never understood what that meant exactly. I figure it must’ve meant I was a good writer, of course that wasn’t quite it. I later learned it meant my writing had feeling, personality. It meant when you read anything I wrote, you’d be able to tell it was mines, in some way it felt like it was originality I guess. But of course the other parts of my writing needed and many times still need work. The notorious GSP, surprisingly tone, my explanations, etc. and learning I needed work really discouraged me. I got so caught up in learning how to write a “proper essay” I forgot how to have fun with my writing. I had to remind myself to just speak from the heart. That I needed to believe what I was writing in the same way I want the reader to believe it when they read it. And of course GSP was fixed with editing ad spellcheck, which meant I needed to stop being so insecure about the things I was saying and be comfortable with criticizing myself (which I’m sure you can tell is still an uphill battle).
This beautiful path, of what I guess you could call, self discovery brought me to the happiest decision of my life. I was never good at my other choice, I mean I was okay but major components weren’t there and my skills in certain areas were lacking and it made me miserable. To be asked to demonstrate this task or what some would call a “gift” made me very anxious and very resentful. Now when I think about developing a show or being on the lot of a major production company it feels me with so much joy and excitement. The anticipation is like a high, so much so that learning more about the business doesn’t feel like a chore like it did with my other love affair (career choice). Something about this decision just feels right, I feel at peace, at least in this area of my life..